13 October 2002 - 11:05

I got home Friday evening and have been in chill-out mode. Looking back, I don't think I was ever stressed before I went to college. Deadlines were few and far between, and I could always feel pretty confident about doing well. Or if not, it didn't matter so much. I knew that I had a latent tendancy towards stress, and I was grateful to have escaped a school environment where it might have been problematic. I was what is normally a contradiction in terms: a peaceful perfectionist.

Perhaps I am remembering halcyon days of youth that never really existed. Still, I didn't study much for the SATs, in marked contrast to the GRE I just took. I think I seldom, if ever, answered "Stressed" in response to "How are you?" which is also in marked contrast to more recent times.

I think I've done what I hoped not to do, and let college get to me. I let pressure and perfectionism discover each other and become tightly, bitterly entwined. Of course it's not just school, I'm sure. Growing older, getting tangibly closer to what were once idle fantasies and realizing that there's only so much time to mold them into realities, surely would have happened anyway.

Being around fellow students and professors who are constantly stressed probably rubbed off on me as well. What was once an unhealthy state of being characterized by "other people in unfortunate circumstances" (well, and also my dad) became a normal state of being, characterized by "us." It's a good thing I have Wheel, or I may have been utterly lost.

I hope Platypus doesn't suffer my fate.

My parent's new house is finally feeling comfortable and familiar. I still miss the house where I grew up, but I don't think about it so much. Mom and Dad and Kien and the cats (Seeker and Oracle) and the dog (Mercy) and the chickens (Dandy, Buttercup, Twilight, Buckwheat,Sunshine, Fluffy, Shadow, Connie, Sneakers, Domino, Ditto, Xyzzy) make it home. The lake doesn't hurt either.

A big thanks to Platypus for sacrificing his weekend (again) to get the server, Paradoxical (.nbtsc.org) back on-line.