07 April 2002 - 18:42

I forgot about Daylight Savings last night and so woke up late today. Relief that Nelly from Mote had called me five minutes ago turned to dismay that she had actually called me an hour and five minutes ago.

And now I'm wondering if getting up earlier might have saved my spot on the project.

Nelly and her husband Tom[01] are the researchers who run the Off-Shore Cetacean Ecology Program at Mote Marine Laboratory. I've been volunteering there since last June. They're studying the spotted dolphins (Stenella frontalis) out in the Gulf. Nelly has been working on doing behavioral analysis of video that she's taken in the field, mostly of the spotted dolphins bow-riding. I did quite a bit of analysis when she started, but not enough to be useful for reliability (I didn't know that until she said so today). I tried to help with the statistics and with the behavioral definitions and data sheets too.

Now Nelly has focused in on a particular research question, and the project is much more organized. She wants to look at synchrony between young dolphins and their mothers (/other adults). She took some inspiration from a project done by Wendi, a student who graduated at the end of my first year and now heads research at the Dolphin Research Center.

Because I had more experience with the videos than any of the other volunteers, she wanted me to do the reliability checking--that is, she'll analyse all the video, and then I'll also analyse some of the video idependently, and we'll compare the results across the video that we both did to make sure that we saw the same things (85%+ the same would be pretty good).

I did two hours of it on Friday, covering about, oh, 15 minutes of video. The analysis is literally frame-by-frame. Believe it or not, I do enjoy the work.

So I was going to go in sometime today to work on some more video. Nelly promised to call, which she did, of course. And I missed it and called back an hour later. And she said she'd been thinking and she didn't think I'd really have enough time to do all of it.

Admittedly, this is a valid concern. I'm taking five classes and working two fairly minimal jobs, and all of that has to take some priority to the volunteerwork (although I have gotten special permission to skip class to go on the day-long boat trips gathering data). I can go in to the lab Tuesdays, Friday afternoons, and weekends if I and Nelly are willing to give up our weekends. To make matters worse, I've had to cancel quite a few times this term, plus at the beginning of May (before classes end) I'm starting a full-time internship.

On the other hand... well, I really wanted to do it. Nelly had even mentioned wanting to give me co-authorship on the paper she'd write about the project. It's really the first reasonably short term, well defined project I'd have a chance to work on directly. And I like watching video of baby dolphins. Even frame-by-frame.

Plus Nelly is a very nice person. She's very generous... but I've never heard her criticize anyone to their face, and I have trouble imagining it. She seems kind of nervous and apologetic sometimes. I can't help but wonder if I did a poor job on Friday and she didn't want to say so directly.

It all speaks to the fear that I've always had about my work--that I'm not quite good enough. I know I'm close. I know I'm knowledgable, motivated, and talented.

Yet I'm not sure I'm knowlegable enough, motivated enough, or talented enough. I haven't been swimming regularly, and that's pretty important. And I haven't been diving (mostly because there isn't anyone who dives that I know well enough to take on as a dive partner--really important. Also because it's expensive) for years. I don't spend enough time on the bay staring out at the water. I haven't learned to sail very well, even though the school has a couple of boats. I should know sign language by now. I should have more books, more papers--it horrified me to realize how many dolphin-related papers were in the school library that I hadn't made copies of yet. I spent $20 in quarters week before last beginning to remedy this.

Moreover, I don't have a thesis idea all worked out yet, and the clock is ticking. And what about those times when I haven't made it to volunteer at Mote? And if I was really committed, wouldn't I get a driver's license and a car? (But cars are wrong in such a fundamental way...) If I was really committed, really devoted, I'd be so much better, so much more vigilant. I'd be obsessive about keeping records of possibilities for volunteerwork, internships, graduate schools, scholarships. I'd have big files of forms, a schedule of due-dates, I'd have fliers and brochures from any institute that has any sort of captive cetacean or cetacean related program.

So goes my subvocal dialogue, day in and day out. Except for rare stretches of peace, such as yesterday. Yesterday was a perfect sunny day and Ryan (Wheel) and I went grocery shopping and I read comics (Finder, by Carla Speed McNeil, highly recommended) until my love surprised me with a romantic candle lit supper (described in his journal) and a long walk down to the bay and ... other things. I was startled enough as to exclaim aloud "I can't think of anything to worry about! I'm not stressed!"

Ah, but now, I plunge back into doubt. Taking Animal Language Research this term has been delightful, but it hasn't helped. It's distressing to read about all these people (as Roger Fouts, Penny Patterson, etc) who devoted their lives, every day of the week, eight or more hours a day, to their subjects and research. For years stretching on through the rest of their lives. Changing career plans, moving plans, family plans. Co-opting their spouse into the project, bringing the animal participants into their homes, their lives, their hearts. It takes a lot to do a language project well. And even then it still might not be good enough. The data from Koko and Washoe are scientifically ambiguous, and firm conclusions hard to draw from these projects.

Ever since I tentatively decided that I might have what it takes to work with dolphins, people have told me that it's a very hard field to break into. I've never expected to make much money--in fact, I've always said that I plan to pay for some of my research out of pocket, if it comes to it. And that if I fail in academia, I'll still work with dolphins--as a volunteer, and just taking pictures, video, and audio recordings on private equipment from a private boat (yes, I've read the Marine Mammal Protection Act & interpretations thereof in detail and would follow it conscientiously).

Yet still it remains. Tenacious doubt. The other day Gillian said that she and Gary[01] had been discussing What I Should Do With the Rest of My Life.

I was flattered that she and Gary were talking about me in their own time. Aww.

She asked about my plans. I started listing graduate schools with scientists who do dolphin related work. She interrupted to say:

"All dolphins, then?"

"Well, yes."

"Because we were talking--you're in Animal Learning, right?--there's this scientist at the university in Kentucky who does great research in learning theory, but he's interested in other cognition stuff too. He's really strong in it, and he's a great guy, good sense of humor, easy going--"

"Uhm. So he has a rat-lab?"

"No, pigeons."

"Oh. Pigeons. And he's... where did you say he was?"

"Kentucky."

"Oh. Uhm. That would be a very... responsible... thing to do. Thanks."

Four to six years in Kentucky would be, well, terrible. No coast at all. I'd be even less happy than I was living in Missouri, where at least I was with my family on our little piece of land. I was never terribly thrilled about being in Missouri.

I can only think of one graduate advisor I'd do that for, and it's Gillian. I'd walk to the ends of the Earth to hang out with her.

So... does she think that I couldn't hack it doing dolphin research? Does she think my knowledge is too specialised? Or does she simply, probably correctly think that I'd have a better chance of successfully getting going on to work with dolphins if I got a good education and that much-needed doctoral degree doing something, well, easier than trying to get dolphins and data from them in a limited amount of time. Very true, and perhaps she felt obligated to remind me of it, being a responsible advisor and caring about me and all.

I just don't know.

And so it goes. I think the internship will be my first big chance to prove myself to myself. I've never done anything full time before, neither school nor work. Plus there's the commute (about an hour, whether I bike or take the bus). I'm scared. I can't wait.

[01] - pseudonyms, but you can probably find them on Mote's webpage.

[02] - He's my other wonderful mentor here. Also a pseudonym.