14 April 2003 - 16:08

This weekend was so surreal that I am compelled to break my thesis-trance-induced silence, so as to not forget.

Since last time: I got better after a total of a week and a half of being pretty-seriously-incapacitated from the flu. Once I could like, sit up in bed and read for stretches of time again, I started serious data coding. Like, all-day marathons where I didn't stop to eat (I did eat, but because Wheel brought me food in front of my computer) or shower or anything.

Of course, I was coding auditory information, and sometimes there were really long quiet stretches (but I couldn't skim through them, because I had no way of knowing in advance when there would be dolphin-sounds again). So I could pay attention to something else, as long as it was on my computer screen (so I could keep an eye on the video for things like camera changes; and also instantly see the timer value when I did hear sounds) and interuptable, and of course... not audio.

So I want to shout out a Big Thanks to (author) Ellen Hayes for keeping me sane when for once, (musicians) Thomas Dolby, Grant Balfour and Keali'i Reichel could not. I read the entire Tucker Saga start-to-finish while coding, and had only a few hours of video left when I finished.

All in all, my sample is 60 hours. Holy sh*t.

Oh, also in there I went home for a week of spring break, during which I continued thesis work, but also did a lot of wedding work. Also I took a biopsych test and did really well. And I did a lot of thesis writing work, and thesis messing-with-the-data work.

This weekend was bizarre.... a rapid barrage of intense novel stimuli of all kinds. I'm an introvert. I avoid intense stimuli. I'm still recovering.

I woke up really early Sat. morning to bus down to a church and assist in videotaping a First Communion ceremony (videography is now one of my paid jobs). I usually wear jeans and t-shirts, so I had to scrabble for nice clothes. I ended up wearing my Janet costume (*snicker*) and my boat-shoes (new, white, Chinese-sweat-shop made Keds). This was the first time I'd ever attended any sort of formal (=in a special building with official people) religious ceremony. This was only my second videography job (the previous week I helped do a wedding (at the same church, actually) and reception (at the Ritz Carlton)... I wore my ill-fitting bridesmaid's dress with a little decorative jacket over it, and the bridesmaid's shoes I got with it. That was also weird, but it was the only weird thing that weekend.)

SO I watched all these well-to-do local people and these adorable dressed-up youths and this to-me very bizarre (but of course also serious/~powerful) ceremony.

That would have given me plenty to mull over for the rest of the day. Maybe even part of the next day.

It was immediately followed by driving up to the studio and shooting erotica. The videographer I work for is also the photographer that I model for (But they're separate jobs. We'll call him Sam. He's really nice). This was my first time modeling on video (acting, I guess, although so different from what I normally think of as acting). I dressed up in the silly clothes he has, he gave me a prop and a one line description of the theme, and told me to improvise.

We shot the whole thing in one take. He said I was the best actress/model he had ever had. I think he's a bit prone to flattery, but... I know that I did a good job. I was completely absorbed in what I was doing. I was creative. I remembered things from the still modeling I had done and used them. (If you're wondering, this is very soft-core, no nudity, and in this case, just me and a disembodied voice (Sam)).

That whole thing was a lot to think about. Cognitively, I think that making videos like that is perfectly ethical. Probably neutral in overall effect in the world, but hopefully tending towards positive. I can see myself defending my involvement in it honestly, and doing so very well.

However, personally, I was a little uncomfortable with it. Let me emphasize, this was not while I was working. While I was working, I was enjoying myself, as well as right afterwards. I got the thrill out of it that you get when you do something really well, are really absorbed in it, and hadn't previously known you could do something like that. It's a good feeling, pretty much regardless of whatever it is you're doing. (Better still if, as in this case, you're being paid pretty well for it too.) And of course I never felt trapped or threatened or uncomfortable. I knew I was in control of the situation.

So nothing big. Just uncomfortable thinking about it later, because the content is simply not something I like. I wouldn't buy those videos or watch them. I find them kind of distasteful, which is, I think, a perfectly normal reaction to sexual interests that one doesn't personally happen to have.

So I had lots of that to think about. Then I came home with a wad of cash. Charspider and Overdrive were over for the weekend. The household had just woken up. I changed into normal clothes and did some quiet thesis work.

Then I got a letter from the NSF. Remember how I applied for one of their fellowships? I got an honorable mention. No fellow$hip to take me to St. Andrews... looks like we'll be staying in the U.S. for a while yet.

So obviously that partial failure (the honorable mention is still pretty cool) and its concurrent narrowing of possibilities for the next few years of my life prompted many things to think about.

Then we all went for a walk. It was a hot summer suburban weekend day. People were out barbecuing and bicycling and washing their cars. Lawn sprinklers looked invited. We walked to a near-by playground, a place I've never really gone to before. I've walked by it, but usually when I walk someplace for pleasure it's down to the nearest bayfront with binocs or my CJ ball.

So we went there and sat on the swings and walked on the playsets and I talked to Ryan about the NSF thing and generalities about my career and priorities, and they played tag. Then people wanted ice cream, so we went across the street to the ice cream shop inside a fiberglass ice cream cone and I bought us "hawaiian"-flavored milkshakes to share. We walked around and ate our milkshakes.

We went home. I napped very briefly, worked on my thesis, talked a bit to Platypus about everything, and watched a corny movie about cheerleaders on TV. Wheel made us all dinner (hummus and pita, mashed potatos).

Time to get ready for Fetish Ball! I put on my fourth set of clothes, black rubber items (made by myself as Total Eclipse Designs) over a flowey skirt, make-up. Pretty sexy black and red. Washable rubber chosen so that I wouldn't have to worry about substances from the human sundae bar messing up my clothes. Wheel dressed up really gorgeous, and Charspider drove us all there. Ovedrive came too.

Fetish ball was really cool. Kudos to Arcanologist for toi efforts. We got there in time to see the show, which was cool... and the sundae bar was cool, and the dungeon was awesome. I spent a lot of time there absorbing the atmosphere. And then there were some happy interactions with the-girl-I-like, about which I will be discrete (although we were in public; also I realize it's pretty obvious who she is, but I feel a need to write about my feelings here since they're such a tremendously huge part of my life over the past year, yet I'm trying to be as light handed as I can be.). And that was plenty to keep my mind occupied.

Most of our friends left (relatively) early to sleep so we could all get up the next day, so having established that, we came home. I went to sleep for a handful of hours, although apparently no one else did (except possibly Charspider).

I woke up early and we all got ready for the absolute final Ren Faire at the park in Largo. Wheel made us breakfast. We dressed up renny. We waited around for Charspider to return from campus. We made the drive up, making only three brief unnecessary detours. We got there only 30 min late or so, and just in time to meet up with Pairodox & Oregano & Beauty (I mean it most respectfully; I'm not at my most creative for psuedonyms right now). I alternated wandering around with them and with the party I came with. We saw The Empty Hats and Manolete twice each and gobs of merchants. There was a huge crowd. We met up with a variety of other friends (New-College-Associated, but not all students). I spent a lot of money on relatively trivial things without the extreme tension usually involved in my spending a lot of money on trivial things.

Since it was the last-day-ever there was a hightened sense of... everything. Also, personally, I knew it probably would be my last Florida faire for a long time... I'm sure Texas and North Carolina have faires, but we wouldn't have the friends we always see at the faires here, and probably most of the performers and vendors would be different. The closing pub sing was especially emotional and poignant (or parts of it were). We stayed 'til close, of course, a good seven+ hours.

I left exhausted, and thinking churning thoughts about... all those things, and about a particular person. And of course, with the close of the faire came the sudden crushing realization that I had a test today (Monday) and a lot of thesis stuff left to do and I bac a week from this Wednesday.

Charspider generously took us out for much-needed dinner before he and Overdrive left. Wheel was dead on his feet, but still managed to help me study for my biopsych test while we took turns washing away the inevitable coating of dirt from the faire. We both slept long and deep.

And that was my weekend, en breve. What's up with that? Well, anyway, it's in print now, and I can get back to work.

Don't worry, I haven't been shirking my thesis while writing this entry.. the work on need to do is on MY computer, and I'm at work, so I can't do it. So Wheel is walking my computer (it's a laptop) over, but he hasn't yet arrived.

I'll write again after my defense. Wish me the best. If you have a chance, show up at Bon House classroom at 10:00 am morning of Wednesday the 23rd. Don't expect too much though... I'm so tired.